Hello. I am Bill ‘UKIP’ Dudley, official Parliamentary candidate for the Birmingham Sandwell constituency. Following extensive research, The United Kingdom Independence Party has put together the following report, which explains the popularity of different towns in our great nation.
No human being has been this far North. The primitive hairy hillbillies who live here are rumoured to be the inspiration for the Sasquatch legend, as popularised by the liberal leftie media bastards who have corrupted this great country.
Birmingham / Black Country
The Black Country is God’s own country. The greatest Englishmen all come from here – Cadbury, Chamberlain, Tolkien and Jasper Carrot.
The people here are built to endure. The average penis size is twelve inches. Our women are fertile and disease/inhibition-free. And no outsider has ever beaten a Brummie child in a drinking contest.
Our call centre staff are recognised as the surliest in the world. (Take that India!) Our farmers use only the finest organic (human-sourced) fertiliser. And we lead the world in desecration of Muslim and Jewish graves.
Hope you’ve had all your shots. If not, be sure to keep a supply of antibiotics handy, as chances are you will be enjoying the affections of dozens of teenage white girl who’ve been drugged and trafficked into the local brothels by Mirpuri grooming gangs operating out of grubby takeaways from across the country. If it wasn’t for orphanages filled with developmentally-delayed children, you would have no sex life at all.
I greet you in the traditional tongue of the sheep shagger: Ffyc off!
Beautiful language isn’t it? I would learn it, but I prefer to speak like a human being, not a hyena with a saliva-overload.
If you love the Welsh capital then you likely have a job working on Doctor Who. You’ve been unwillingly sodomised by John Barrowman at least once, and been spat on repeatedly by that anorexic paedophile who used to play a Time Lord on the telly.
You should know that I’ve met Freema Agyeman, and she is a piece of shit. And I’m not saying that because she’s a Niggerian. There are plenty of other reasons to hate her as well.
You are a retarded foreigner who needs a geography lesson. Ireland is a different country, you cunt. Unlike us real white people, the Irish they grow fat on potatoes and Guinness.
They also owe us a lot of money, which we loan-sharked to those primitive shamrock-munching fat-faced farmers. So, their children’s children will still be paying us back a century from now. Long live the British Empire. The name might change, but the tune stays the same! Rule Brittania you Paddy bastards!
Your ambitions as a performer far outstrip your talent, but as any deluded idiot with a part-time job, and the willingness to slum it, can perform at the Fringe Festival you visit every year you bore everyone you know with endless talk about how “inspired” you are by the festival experience, even though the crowd at your average show was less than five and you’ve returned several grand out of pocket.
I went to Edinburgh once. It was nice. Like a little piece of civilisation in Scotch land. Just don’t wander too far from Waverley train station… there be red-beards outside the city walls.
You are a fat worthless junkie. You add nothing of value to this world. We would all be better off if you killed yourself. Except you won’t. Selfish bastards.
This place stinks of seafood so bad, it’s a safe bet to assume you’re a lesbian. Why else would you voluntarily spend your free time surrounded by the smell of minge?
Footnote – I once dated a girl from Grimsby. She was disabled. That’s why it’s totally OK for me to make fun of both the appendagely-challenged and people with BO.
Liar. No-one likes London.
It’s full of Africans and AIDS.
The Africans came first. The AIDS naturally followed.
You are a homo.
Birthplace of Admiral Nelson, our finest Froggie-basher. He would turn in his grave if he could see how the Catholics and Communists have taken over. So chances are that you too are a Catholic Canary of an Ed Balls Commie.
Go back to Poland! Stop coming over here and stealing jobs and women from Peterborough’s native Mirpuris. The meagre income they get from trafficking English girls for sexual abuse is barely enough to cover their alcohol addictions. If they weren’t busy falsely claiming disability benefit, they wouldn’t be able afford those giant mansions they’ve built in the shithole they’ve come from.
More Mirpuris! Thanks Pakistan for sending us all your illiterate thieving gypsies to leech on our welfare, breed with their cousins and rape our white children!
The only people who like Rotherham are the disabled brown kids – good job with the incest cuzaa – cluttering up the schools and hospitals that us hardworking, taxpaying BRITISH people are funding.
You must be mental. Why would anyone in their (far) right mind want to be that close to the French? The only acceptable reason to visit the South coast is to take a day-trip to the booze warehouses on the Froggie mainland to load up the transit van with cheap plonk.
Remember – VOTE UKIP!
A vote for UKIP is a vote for sanity.